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| Photo by Ray Hennessy on Unsplash |
“Happiness is
achieved by flowing with the known and the unknown within you, being in a state
of simplified simplicity.”
—Pablo Andres
Wunderlich Padilla
As I’ve mentioned before, I don’t consider myself brave. My
first reaction is to shrink back rather than charge forward. “I am afraid” is one of the limiting beliefs I’ve been doing battle with all my
life. And while I’ve found work-arounds for times when I need to push through
feeling fearful, I’ve never actually thought about fear in a positive way.
Until last week.
Last week I picked up a pretty and deceptively simple little
book, My Friend Fear: Finding Magic in the Unknown (2018,
TarcherPerigee), by Meera Lee Patel. Just like reading The Upside of Stress
changed my attitude towards stress, reading My Friend Fear triggered a
change in my attitude toward fear by helping me see it in a new way.
Some tidbits:
“Fear is a friend, and it’s here to support you. Like all friendships, the one you have with fear is a two-way street. It requires time, hard work, and honesty in order to become and remain healthy. It requires us to sit with it, listen to it, and try our best to understand it—even though we don’t always know how. Like any friend, fear can help you only if you let it.”
“Becoming aware of fear is the first step to befriending it. After all, how can you become friends with something you’re pretending doesn’t exist?”
“It’s okay to be afraid. All it means is that there’s something you care deeply about. It’s okay to have fears, as long as you are willing to explore them. It’s okay to hug fear closely, to poke and prod and discover what’s underneath that heavy, dark cloak.”
“Fear is here to help you uncover your greatest wish.”
As I was finishing up My Friend Fear, I picked up my copy of
Susan Jeffers’ classic Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. After a quick skim, I realized these two books worked
together to help something click in my mind. (Don’t you just love when that
happens?)
Here are my epiphanies:
- Fear will always be there when you step outside your comfort zone. All learning and growth occurs outside of your comfort zone, so unless you want to stop growing, you will always have some fear.
- The only way to get over being afraid of doing something is to do it.
- The doing comes first, then the fear fades.
- Everyone feels this way—I’m not an anomaly.
- Fear is my friend. It shows me what matters to me.
My tendency has always been to think something was wrong
with me when I felt fear, and to push it away instead of listening to it. Or
I’d become paralyzed and overwhelmed—the antithesis of flow.
After reading these two books, I’m changing my response to
fear. Instead of trying to “overcome” fear, I want to learn how to be comfortable
with it, and with being afraid. I’m no longer going to feel like I shouldn’t be afraid, or
that I should just ignore fear and push ahead. I’ll be looking on fear as the
friend who highlights the areas of my life that matter the most, the areas where
I’m stretching outside my comfort zone. 2018 is already giving me opportunities
to test this theory, with new writing projects on the horizon, the chance to
help teach a yoga and journaling workshop this weekend, and, in October, a
chance to travel to Paris with Laure Ferlita and The Blue Walk.
Do you welcome fear into your life? What would you do if fear were your friend?
Introduction by Ted Kooser: This is the sixth poem we've published by Peter Everwine, which testifies to how much I admire his writing. How fine it is when a memory arrives from the past to surprise us into happiness. Everwine lives in California, and his most recent book is Listening Long and Late from the University of Pittsburgh Press.
The Day
We walked at the edge of the sea, the dog,
still young then, running ahead of us.
Few people. Gulls. A flock of pelicans
circled beyond the swells, then closed
their wings and dropped head-long
into the dazzle of light and sea. You clapped
your hands; the day grew brilliant.
Later we sat at a small table
with wine and food that tasted of the sea.
A perfect day, we said to one another,
so that even when the day ended
and the lights of houses among the hills
came on like a scattering of embers,
we watched it leave without regret.
That night, easing myself toward sleep,
I thought how blindly we stumble ahead
with such hope, a light flares briefly—Ah, Happiness!
then we turn and go on our way again.
But happiness, too, goes on its way,
and years from where we were, I lie awake
in the dark and suddenly it returns—
that day by the sea, that happiness,
though it is not the same happiness,
not the same darkness.
American Life in Poetry is made possible by The Poetry
Foundation (www.poetryfoundation.org), publisher of Poetry magazine. It is also
supported by the Department of English at the University of Nebraska, Lincoln.
Poem copyright ©2016 by Peter Everwine, “The Day,” from New Letters, (Vol 83,
no. 1, 2016-17). Poem reprinted by permission of Peter Everwine and the
publisher. Introduction copyright ©2018 by The Poetry Foundation. The
introduction’s author, Ted Kooser, served as United States Poet Laureate
Consultant in Poetry to the Library of Congress from 2004-2006. We do not
accept unsolicited manuscripts.
One day in December I was cleaning out our pantry while
listening to Marie Forleo interview Tim Ferriss. Something Tim said struck me
as I stood in my kitchen, clutching cans of black beans and tuna:
“What would it look like if it was easy?”
I realized I’m not used to expecting things to come easily.
I’m used to expecting to work hard, to struggle, to sweat, to grind it out.
What is this concept “easy” of which you speak?!
Because even when “it” is easy, I find a way to make it
hard.
It’s my superpower.
I grasp, I cling, I obsess, I worry, I engage in
procrastination and perfectionism and many other unhelpful habits.
And you know what, I’m tired. I’m tired of struggling, of
swimming upstream, of overwhelming myself in “shoulds” and over-analyzing and
over-researching and over- everything.
I’m “over” it.
I realized, standing in my kitchen, listening to Tim and
Marie talk, that I want my life and work to flow. And just like that, my
2018 Word of the Year (WOTY) presented itself to me.
My words of the year have often appeared this way, without
my having to dig around in my subconscious. A word pops into my head or keeps
showing up in what I’m reading and seeing in a fashion impossible to ignore.
I’ll roll it around in my brain, noticing how it makes me feel. Is it a word
that can apply to multiple areas of my life? Is it a stretch, but not so far
outside my comfort zone that I’ll feel constantly intimidated by it? Does it
have layers of meaning? Do I get excited at the possibility of having it guide
me during the upcoming year? Flow fit the bill for 2018.
It’s always fun seeing the ways my WOTY pops up throughout
the year, whether it’s in art, music, or words. I’ve already stumbled on
several passages that connect to the concept of flow in my mind. Here’s one
paraphrased from the novel The Yellow Eyes of Crocodiles:
“Life is like a dance partner, and if you relax and let
yourself go, you’ll find yourself waltzing.”
Doesn’t that sound lovely?
So in 2018, I plan to focus on putting aside things that
impede flow, such as fear and perfectionism. I’m going to take up habits and
practices that lead to flow, such as Morning Pages, and remembering to take a
few moments to plan out my day so that things will run more smoothly. I’m also
going to focus on not over-scheduling, because that leads to rushing, and rushing
is not flow.
Working with a Word of the Year is a gentle way to set a
tone, intention, or expectation for the coming year. It can be as simple or as
in depth as you like. In my experience, it can be a useful tool in advancing
your goals and enriching your life.
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| Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash
“Every piece of the universe, even the tiniest snow crystal, matters somehow. I have a place in the pattern, and so do you.”
—T.A. Barron |
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| Photo by Carolyn V on Unsplash |
Does anyone make a New Year’s resolution anymore? There’s a
lot of talk about how resolutions are rarely kept, and how most people give up
on their goals just a few weeks or months into the year. For a person who wants
to set and achieve goals, it can be a frustrating dilemma. If resolutions
aren’t an effective way to a better and happier life, what is?
Here are seven alternatives to New Year’s resolutions that
just might help you make 2018 your happiest year ever:
Choose a Word of the Year
I’ve done this for eight years, and written about it several times on Catching Happiness. I choose my word to focus on an overall theme or feeling I want to carry through the entire year. I choose it to offset tendencies I want to correct, or to remind myself to choose happiness (“delight”). My word for 2017 was “deeper,” and going deeper into life last year added brilliant new dimensions to my experience. My word for 2018? Flow. For a free Word of the Year tool, click here. To explore the concept further, visit oneword365.com.Adopt a “Do More ______, Do Less_____” philosophy
For example, “Read more, watch TV less” or “Walk more, eat less junk food.”
Deceptively simple, but baby steps work.
Commit to a 30- or 90-day challenge
Choose a habit
you want to adopt or a small goal you want to achieve, and work on it for 30
days straight. For larger goals, make a 90-day plan, treating each week as the
equivalent of month (see The 12 Week Year for more inspiration and ideas
about how to do that.)
Make a list of simple pleasures and everyday adventures you want to experience
How often do we pack our goal lists with things we
want to change or have to work for? This is simply a list of things you look forward to in 2018.
Family vacations, books you want to read or movies you want to see in 2018, or
a loved one’s wedding/baby/grandchild belong on this list. Try breaking it down
like Laura Vanderkam does with her seasonal “fun lists”.
Write a letter to your future self
Include such
things as what you hope to accomplish, how you want to feel, what you’d like to
leave behind in the coming year. Open it on Jan. 1, 2019 to see how you did.
Start a gratitude journal, jotting down at least one thing you’re grateful for every day
(Read The Gratitude Diaries for
an inspiring look at how gratitude can make your life happier.)
Join the 7 Things x 2018 Challenge
Fill in the following blanks, and you’ve got some
goals for the year:
Learn how to ____________
Start ____________
Stop ____________
Take a vacation to ____________
Find ____________
Try ____________
Be more ____________
Growth contributes to happiness, so setting and reaching
goals is one way to feel happier. I hope 2018 holds plenty of growth and
happiness for you!
What do you have planned for 2018?
Note: Starting today, I’m changing the usual Catching Happiness posting schedule from Wednesdays and Fridays to Mondays and Fridays. Happy New Year!
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| Will there be carrots under the tree for me? |
Wishing you happiness, love, and peace today and every day.
I'm taking a break from posting this week. I hope you and your family enjoy the last week of 2017.
See you in the New Year!
I'm taking a break from posting this week. I hope you and your family enjoy the last week of 2017.
See you in the New Year!
“This is a book about designing your life to make it
happier.”
With a description like that, how could I resist picking up
this book?
There’s plenty of food for thought in Dan Buettner’s new
book, The Blue Zones of Happiness: Lessons From the World’s Happiest People
(2017, National Geographic). Buettner, the author of several best-sellers about
the “Blue Zones”—five places in the world where people live the longest,
healthiest lives—focuses this book on what makes people live happier,
not just longer. He introduces readers to some of the happiest people in the
happiest cities in the world, shares the research-based “Three P’s of
Happiness” (pleasure, purpose, and pride), and plenty of strategies and
suggestions for creating healthier and happier habits for a greater sense of
lasting well-being.
I especially liked the recognition that there are multiple factors that boost happiness. I think everyone is different in what makes them
truly happy, and it’s reassuring to think that if one area of your life isn’t
bringing satisfaction, other areas can help to make up for it.
Other takeaways:
1. We should set up our lives to make it easier to feel
happy—no willpower involved. We have finite amounts of willpower, and even
something as seemingly no-brainer as doing something to make yourself happy
shouldn’t rely on willpower:
“What does lead to greater happiness is making changes to your surroundings—to your home, workplace, community, and ultimately your nation. The more you design your home to favor good habits, the better your family will feel simply by living in it. The more friends you make at work the more you’ll look forward to getting the job done. The more your community nudges you out from behind the steering wheel and onto your feet, the better you’ll feel. The more trust you put in your government, the more secure you’ll feel. The challenge is to reshape your life so that you’re constantly being nudged into well-being.”
2. How many moments of happiness we should have to offset
negative experiences and feelings:
“Moments of joy, serenity, or inspiration can be easily quashed by worries, doubts, and demands. As a result of their urgency, negative emotions such as fear or anxiety packed a bigger punch than positive ones such as amusement or awe. So people who want to experience an upward spiral of positive experiences could start by organizing their days to include at least three ‘heartfelt’ positive feelings for every ‘heart-wrenching’ negative one. That appears to be the difference between people who are flourishing and those who aren’t, [Barbara] Fredrickson said.”
3. Seeking happiness doesn’t just benefit us—it helps
others, too. People who experience more happiness are more resilient when
setbacks occur. And happiness ripples through social circles, so that if you
become happier, you will likely help those who know and love you become happier
also.
4. Happiness boosters, if done too often, can become routine
and fail to provide the positive feelings we seek. Learn which happiness
boosters to try and how often, and keep varying them.
There are plenty of suggestions throughout the book of
practical (though not always easy) steps to take in order to boost happiness.
Towards the end, you’ll find the “Happiness Power Nine,” which includes such
things as sleeping 7.5 hours+ a night, engaging with the world by getting out
of your house and participating in a club or team, volunteering, living in a community
that supports well-being, and looking forward by setting goals and monitoring
your progress.
If you’re interested in creating a happier life—one of true
well-being, not just superficial pleasure—The Blue Zones of Happiness is
a worthwhile read.
Please share your happiness habits in the comments below!
For more information:
Take the Happiness Test to see how you rate on the Three P’s
of Happiness
The Blues Zones of Happiness website
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| Photo by Ciprian Boiciuc on Unsplash |
Introduction by Ted Kooser: Sit for an hour in any
national airport and you’ll see how each of us differs from others in a million
ways, and of course that includes not only our physical appearances but our
perceptions and opinions. Here’s a poem by Ada Limón, who lives in Kentucky,
about difference and the difficulty of resolution.
What It Looks Like To Us and the Words We Use
All these great barns out here in the outskirts,
black creosote boards knee-deep in the bluegrass.
They look so beautifully abandoned, even in use.
You say they look like arks after the sea’s
dried up, I say they look like pirate ships,
and I think of that walk in the valley where
J said, You don’t believe in God? And I said,
No. I believe in this connection we all have
to nature, to each other, to the universe.
And she said, Yeah, God. And how we stood there,
low beasts among the white oaks, Spanish moss,
and spider webs, obsidian shards stuck in our pockets,
woodpecker flurry, and I refused to call it so.
So instead, we looked up at the unruly sky,
its clouds in simple animal shapes we could name
though we knew they were really just clouds—
disorderly, and marvelous, and ours.
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| Photo by Matthew Fournier on Unsplash |
“The world is a
looking glass and gives back to every man the reflection of his own face.”
—William Makepeace
Thackeray
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