“The happiness of most people is not ruined by great catastrophes or fatal errors, but by the repetition of slowly destructive little things.”

—Ernest Dimnet

What really makes us happy and healthy? According to the longest study of human development that’s ever been done, it’s not money, not fame, and not a high-powered career. According to Robert Waldinger, the (fourth!) director of the 75-year-old Harvard Study of Adult Development, “Good relationships keep us happier and healthier, period.” (Click here to see Waldinger’s TED talk on the subject.) 

That’s good news—because building close connections is something we can all do, no matter where we live, no matter how much money we have, or what kind of work we do. Waldinger noted that people didn’t have to be in a committed relationship, or have a huge number of friends to see the benefits. What mattered was the quality of the relationships. With that in mind, here are three simple ways we can improve our oh-so-important-for-happiness relationships:

Touch base more often. If you’re like me, you often take your friends and family for granted, missing out on opportunities to build closeness. One of my goals in 2016 has been to keep in better touch with those I love, using whatever method they find easy to use. Many of my loved ones live far away from me, so I’ve been texting, calling, sending messages on Facebook, even—gasp!—writing snail mail letters more often.   If they do live near me, I’m making more of an effort to spend time together. I feel more connected to my family and friends, and that makes me happier.

Show appreciation. Research shows that feeling appreciated is one major contributor to lasting loving relationships. Think about all the ways your loved one contributes to your life—does your spouse earn a good living? Is your mom a great listener? Does your son or daughter make you laugh?  What about that friend who never forgets your birthday? Let him or her know you’ve noticed and say thank you. We just hosted a big weekend family gathering and not only did everyone thank us, they brought us a card and gift! It feels good to be appreciated—and we’re also much more likely to want to host future family events because we know our family appreciates it when we do.

Love the one you’re with. Have you noticed that your partner (or child, parent, or friend) isn’t perfect, or doesn’t always behave just as you’d like them to? Yup, so have I. Instead of wasting time fretting about this, really see them, appreciate them for who they are, and don’t try to change them. Love them anyway. The following quote has helped me enormously (unfortunately, I can’t remember who said it): “Love them with your heart, not your ego.”

I feel lucky to have many close and loving relationships with family and friends, and knowing how important those connections are to my happiness and health only makes me want to work harder on staying close. It’s a simple pleasure within reach of us all.

Introduction by Ted Kooser: Early each spring, Nebraska hosts, along a section of the Platte River, several hundred thousand sandhill cranes. It's something I wish everyone could see. Don Welch, one of the state's finest poets, lives under the flyway, and here's his take on the migration. His most recent book is Gnomes, (Stephen F. Austin State Univ. Press, 2013).

With Spring In Our Flesh

With spring in our flesh

the cranes come back,

funneling into a north

cold and black.

And we go out to them,

go out into the town,

welcoming them with shouts,

asking them down.

The winter flies away

when the cranes cross.

It falls into the north,

homeward and lost.

Let no one call it back

when the cranes fly,

silver birds, red-capped,

down the long sky.

American Life in Poetry is made possible by The Poetry Foundation (www.poetryfoundation.org), publisher of Poetry magazine. It is also supported by the Department of English at the University of Nebraska, Lincoln. Poem copyright ©2015 by Don Welch, “With Spring In Our Flesh.” Poem reprinted by permission of Don Welch. Introduction copyright ©2016 by The Poetry Foundation. The introduction’s author, Ted Kooser, served as United States Poet Laureate Consultant in Poetry to the Library of Congress from 2004-2006. We do not accept unsolicited manuscripts.

Wha…?

I can’t say I’ve ever been a big fan of stress. That is, until I read The Upside of Stress: Why Stress is Good for You, and How to Get Good At It, by Kelly McGonigal, Ph.D. She completely changed the way I look at stress—and at the challenges in my life. 

I first began to consider that stress wasn’t the demon it’s been made out to be when I listened to McGonigal’s TED talk on the subject (thanks to Laure Ferlita for sending me the link). At the time, my main takeaway from the talk was this quote: “Chasing meaning is better for your health than trying to avoid discomfort.” I’d been avoiding discomfort as much as I can, because I struggle with feelings of inadequacy and I don’t feel I handle the stressful aspects of life well. (To put it in McGonigal’s terms, I’m not “good at stress.”) However, McGonigal makes clear that there are consequences to avoiding the discomfort of stress, including missed opportunities and a limited future. She also notes that avoiding anxiety-producing situations has the opposite effect to making you feel safe, because it reinforces fears and increases your worries about future anxiety. Huh.

I’d sum up the book this way: Whether or not stress is harmful depends on your mindset. Change the way you perceive stress and you will change how it affects you. As McGonigal writes, “The same experiences that give rise to daily stress can also be sources of uplift or meaning—but we must choose to see them that way.” How do we do this? McGonigal offers several tools and exercises, or mindset interventions, to help us to make that shift. There’s so much good material in the book that I recommend you read it. In the meantime, here are some of the points I found most interesting:

One of the most effective ways to change how you think about stress is to determine and write about your personal values. This practice, according to McGonigal, makes people feel more in control, strong, loving, and connected. Even better, the benefits of this practice can be long lasting, even if you only do it once. Why is this so powerful? McGonigal reports that analysis of studies concluded, “When people are connected to their values, they are more likely to believe that they can improve their situation through effort and the support of others. That makes them more likely to take positive action and less likely to use avoidant coping strategies like procrastination and denial.”

Changing how you respond to the physical symptoms of anxiety and stress can help you see stressful events as challenges rather than threats.  Do you think anxiety drains you, or can you see how it can be a source of energy? The only difference between the rush you get when doing something fun/scary versus something scary/scary is how you perceive the event. When you feel physical and mental signs of anxiety and stress, tell yourself you’re excited. I used this concept recently when the horse I was riding spooked. All that adrenalin was helping me stay alert and focused! (Not to mention in the saddle instead of on the ground.) As McGonigal says, turn your “uh-oh” to “oh, yeah!”

Failure and setbacks are NOT to be avoided. McGonigal writes, “[People] view [failure] as something to avoid at all costs because it will reveal that they aren’t smart or talented enough. This mindset can creep in whenever we are at a growth edge, pursuing any goal or change that is beyond our current abilities. Too often, we perceive setbacks as signals to stop—we think they mean something is wrong with us or with our goals…”

A stress-free life is not necessarily a happier life. Interestingly, people who have a life without adversity are less happy and healthy than those who have experienced “an average number of traumatic events,” and they’re significantly less satisfied with their lives, according to McGonigal.

Yes, it is true that stress can be harmful under certain circumstances, notably when you feel inadequate to it, it isolates you from others, and it feels meaningless and against your will. While there may be times when these conditions are beyond your control, the strategies mapped out in The Upside of Stress can help you grow from stress, and learn to transform it into something positive.

Some books have made a huge difference in my life—The Upside of Stress is one of them. It left me feeling more optimistic about my ability to thrive under stressful conditions rather than curl into a ball and hide. Though I haven’t gone so far as to wish for stressful experiences, after reading The Upside of Stress, I feel better prepared to face them when they inevitably show up.

What stressful experiences have you found most meaningful?

“Plenty of people miss their share of happiness, not because they never found it, but because they didn’t stop to enjoy it.”

—William Feather

I like getting out of bed in the morning. Most days, I look forward to what I have planned—I always have plenty to do, but I enjoy most of it. I’m currently healthy and facing no immediate emergencies, nor am I working my way through any crises.

Knock wood.

I was almost afraid to write the words above because I’m just superstitious enough not to want to jinx things. I also don’t want to brag or portray my life or my self as being without flaws—both of those things are untrue, obviously. But right here, right now, things are awfully good. I can complain, whine, and worry with the best of them, but can I actually be…happy? 

While it’s true that there is much to be upset and unhappy about in the world, there is also much to be happy and grateful for. I’m not always able to enjoy the happy—indeed, I often feel guilty or nervous about doing so—but I want to get over that.  I don’t want to miss or overlook my own happiness! So I’ve been thinking about how to relax and enjoy it when things are going well in my life. If you’re lucky enough to find yourself in a happy place like I am right now, here are some tips to help you “do” happy:

First, be grateful. Don’t take the happy times for granted. Pause at the beginning or end of the day to ponder what’s going right, or even better, write down the things you are grateful for. (Research has demonstrated that this practice improves happiness and well being.) 

Savor the happy. Notice and enjoy what’s good, happy, and right about your life. This is where I stumble—unbelievably, I think I’m afraid to be happy! (I’m afraid if I feel too happy, it might get taken away.) Yes, it’s inevitable that happy times pass, just as unhappy ones do. How sad if you miss out on fully enjoying your own happiness because you’re afraid you might lose it.

Prepare for bad times. Perhaps you could tuck away some money to use for things that will help you ease through difficult times, like a massage, a few extra take out meals, and so on. Go ahead and keep that gratitude journal so when things are hard you can look back at written proof of happier times. Stock a comfort drawer. Think about the things that are making you happy and take steps to keep them going as long as possible. 

Share your good fortune. This doesn’t mean rubbing your happiness in others’ faces, but providing support and encouragement to them while you have the mental and emotional resources to do so. Look around—is there someone who is currently going through a hard time whom you can comfort? Perhaps you can write a note to someone you care about expressing your feelings for them. Happiness is contagious—why not spread it around?

As strange as it sounds, “doing” happy doesn’t always come easy. I hope these tips will help you enjoy the happy times when they come, and that there are many happy times in your future to enjoy.

Introduction by Ted Kooser: Poetry has often served to remind us to look more closely, to see what may have been at first overlooked. Today’s poem is by Kaelum Poulson of Washington state. A middle school student and already accomplished maker of poems, he writes of the thankless toils of an unlikely but entirely necessary member of our community—the crow!

The Crow

So beautiful

but often unseen

a maid of nature

the street cleaner that’s everywhere

never thanked

never liked

always ignored

so elegant in a way no one sees

but without it we would

be in trash up to our knees

with the heart of a lion

the mind of a fox

the color of the night sky

a crow

the unpaid workman

that helps in every way

each and every day.

American Life in Poetry is made possible by The Poetry Foundation (www.poetryfoundation.org), publisher of Poetry magazine. It is also supported by the Department of English at the University of Nebraska, Lincoln. Poem copyright © by Seattle Arts & Lectures. Reprinted from “The Universal Controversial Hive: poems, stories, & memoirs by students,” Writers in the Schools, 2006, by permission of the publisher. Introduction copyright © 2008 by The Poetry Foundation. The introduction’s author, Ted Kooser, served as United States Poet Laureate Consultant in Poetry to the Library of Congress from 2004- 2006. We do not accept unsolicited manuscripts.