“Take the first step in faith, you don’t have to see the
whole staircase just to take the first step.”
—Martin Luther King, Jr.
What’s the first step you need to take today to reach one of
your goals?
Since choosing “passion” as my word of the year, I’ve felt
peculiarly passion-less. Ho hum.
Frustrated and overwhelmed, yes. Lazy, yup. Motivated to pursue my passions?
Uh, not really. What’s wrong with me?
Apparently, just choosing passion as a watchword doesn’t do
it for me. I actually have to think about passion and do something to ignite it. In pondering this subject, I’ve found a
few ways to reignite my flickering pilot light—maybe you’d be interested in hearing
about what I’ve learned?
Perhaps the simplest trick is to set myself a specific and achievable goal. My horse, Tank, is one
of my passions, but this time of year because of the heat and humidity, I find
it more and more difficult to get myself down to the barn. When I’m there, I
often choose not to do anything with him, but groom him and let him graze.
Despite the whole “I can’t believe I have a horse” thing, I get just the
tiniest bit bored, and we don’t really make any progress as a team. Hanging out
is fine, but there are many things I’d like to learn—like trick or agility
training, and how to do equine massage—and I want to keep up with our Parelli
Natural Horsemanship games. While it’s still hot, I usually go to the barn
about three times a week. One of those days, we’ll probably just continue to
hang out, but I plan to have a goal, even if it’s a small one, for the other
two days.
Sure, you say. Adding something sounds great but how can I
pack one more thing into my full schedule? To make room, I take something away. Don’t tell anyone, but my favorite thing to
get rid of is household chores—I skip dusting, or order dinner instead of
cooking it. I don’t shop or go to the library as often as usual. I also reduce
my TV watching in favor of more enriching activities.
During the Summer Olympics, I watched hours of equestrian events on TV. I got excited watching those experts and their spectacular horses,
and I took that excitement with me to the barn. Whatever your chosen passion, search out someone who’s really good at
your shared passion. Don’t compare yourself or become discouraged because
you’re not as good—be inspired by her or his accomplishments. I’ll never be an
Olympic equestrian, but I can be a
better rider and partner to Tank.
Once a month, I take
a day off. I don’t do anything I
don’t want to do. I don’t clean, cook, do laundry, run errands. I write only if
I feel like it. (I always read!) Sometimes I go see Tank, and sometimes I hang
out at home all day. I try not to get sucked into mindless web surfing, but if
that’s what I feel like doing, I let myself. It takes a bit of life arrangement
to do this, but surprisingly, I find that after just one day in which I don’t
let myself work, I come back to the usual routine with lots more energy and
passion.
None of these tips is revolutionary in any way, but that
doesn’t mean it’s easy to implement them. Many days, especially during the hot
summer months, all I want to do is flop on the couch and watch a movie, or curl
up someplace cool with a book. It takes effort to pursue passions—but if I put
in that effort, that little spark of passion burns up into a steady flame. My
goal is to look back on a passionate life lived—not realize I wasted too much
of my time on the trivial.
What are your tips or tricks for staying interested in your
passions?
What is it about a pending new year that inspires so much hope and energy? I’ve just spent half an hour making a list of major areas of interest in my life and what activities and projects I want to tackle in each one. Looked at as one entity, it’s a pretty daunting list! But in my current frame of mind (which may last only until the reality of that list sets in), I feel like I can accomplish the whole darn thing. And that’s probably just because the old year is fading, the new year is on the horizon, all shiny and full of possibility, stretching ahead in series of gleaming hours as yet unfilled…surely this will be the year when I’ll accomplish xyz…
Before I get too carried away, however, I need to remember I don’t need to change everything, or expect to tackle my whole list the first couple weeks of the new year. (I say “I”—do you do the same thing?) I need to remember the principle of baby steps and approach all this with an attitude of love (not disgust that I’ve let my life become such a shambles!), acceptance, and patience.
The ending of an old year and the beginning of a new one is a natural time to take stock of one’s life, and maybe plan for some changes. Especially when we’ve just come through the holiday season, when the usual routine gets thrust aside and lives become a little messy. When the holidays are through, as they will be for most of us tomorrow, we’ll be faced with return to “regular” life, and all its attendant responsibilities. Those responsibilities can quickly fill up those shiny new days, leaving little time for the new list of goals I’m making right now. The trick is to blend the old with the new, letting some things fall away, being open to new processes and habits and not giving up altogether when I fall short of my ideal.
Do you get introspective about your life at the new year? What are some of your plans for 2012?
I recently learned of another Japanese concept that I find interesting and encouraging: Kaizen. Kaizen is the process of continual improvement through small and incremental steps. It started as a Japanese management concept and continues to be used in business, as well as in areas such as psychology and life coaching. It reinforces my belief that as long as you keep moving forward, even if by baby steps, you will eventually get where you’re going.
One of the beauties of Kaizen is that the steps can be so small that you don’t mind doing them over and over again, until they become habit. Once established as habit, you don’t have to think about them anymore. Kaizen encourages the practice of starting with something easy so you’ll see immediate benefits to encourage you to continue. I’ve got several ongoing projects/issues that are not going as well or as quickly as I’d like. In addition to trying to keep myself from feeling overwhelmed, I’ve been casting around for ways to make some small changes that I hope will jump start me. For example, I want to get back to sketching, and I’d like to take off a few pounds. My plan is to replace some of the time I spend watching TV at night with doing yoga, or with sketching. Not for hours, and not every night—maybe just 15-20 minutes three times a week to start with. To make it easy, I’ll keep my yoga props handy in my bedroom, and a few sketching supplies in a basket in the family room so that I don’t spend time searching for what I need to get started.
I find Kaizen comforting. Changing small things doesn’t scare me, and I believe I’ll make more progress by doing a little every day (or most days) than if I become too harsh a taskmaster for myself. I already regularly use a kitchen timer for short timed-writing sessions (it’s amazing how much you can write in 15 minutes if you just keep the pen moving), so I know this can work.
What small, incremental steps can you take on your way to your dreams?
For a much more thorough and inspiring exploration of Kaizen in regard to goals and dreams, visit Kaizenvision.com.
I was sick last week, and though I'm just about recovered, I'm behind on my usual activities, including posting here. This week, the last before school gets out for winter break, must be devoted to holiday preparation and beating the house into submission (that is, cleaning it). Then comes the usual end-of-the-year flurry of activity interspersed with introspection in which I will decide that I must change everything about my life and make a new start.
Just kidding. I think.
Does that happen to you? You take a look at your perfectly servicable--even happy--life and decide you'd like it to be different, better somehow. As the year winds down, I think about how it's gone, turn my thoughts to my hopes and desires for next year and consider what I might do differently. I have to fight the urge to set a bunch of goals, commit to challenges (I wanted to sign up for this one because it sounds so fun and the badge is pretty...but I restrained myself) and so on. I guess I think of this season as one of contemplation and evaluation--a sort of natural turning point in my life.
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| Scout contemplates trimming the shrubs so she can see the squirrels better |
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| The contenders |
P.S. I wrote a piece on visiting New Orleans on a budget--if you're interested, you can read it here.
Most of us are thinking of what we and our loved ones would like as gifts this holiday season. Along with the wish lists we generally have, what about a gift we can give ourselves: the gift of permission? Here are three things we should give ourselves permission to do:
Permission to have the life you want
Do you, deep down, believe you deserve the life you want? If you don’t, your dream life will never become real. Women in particular often put others’ needs first, and sacrifice their own goals and dreams in favor of helping others achieve theirs. This is not all bad, of course. Many of us find deep satisfaction in helping others. It becomes a problem when you always sacrifice your own dreams and wishes in favor of others’ and never or rarely have a chance to pursue your own passions and pleasures.
Joy Chudacoff writes in “Smart Women Give Themselves Permission,” “There comes a time when you will begin to feel a calling to create more of what you prefer in your own life. It does not mean that you do not love and care for all of those people who mean so much to you. It’s a signal that the time has come for you to embrace more of who you uniquely are.”
This is definitely an issue for me: why do I “deserve” to have my dreams come true—owning my own horse, working as a freelancer (i.e., often getting paid more in satisfaction than in money), simply having what I have in my life? I feel guilty because I have the time and resources to pursue the life of my dreams, and then I begin to dissipate my energy to such an extent that I no longer do have the time and resources to do what I want. I realize I’ve been waiting for someone to tell me it’s OK to have the life I want. The truth is, I deserve the life I want just as much as—not more than, not less than—any other human being does. And so do you.
Permission to be imperfect
I’m not saying you consciously think you have to be “perfect,” but I’ll bet you think you should be better. We could all be “better” than we are—it’s part of the human condition to be imperfect. If you’re like me, you can probably name 25 things you wish were different about you and your life. Stop worrying over that and feeling guilty about it and give yourself permission to be imperfect. Admit your flaws, then realize that’s just how it is right now. If it’s truly something that must be changed, then commit to changing, but refuse to wallow in the feeling that somehow you should have already overcome this problem and you’re a bad person for not having done so. (Channel Popeye by saying, “I yam what I yam.”)
Permission to try and succeed…or to try and fail
This is one of my biggest issues. When I have a big, hairy goal or project in mind, I often become paralyzed, equally worried about succeeding or failing! If I fail, I’ll be embarrassed and disappointed in myself. If I succeed, people might expect more of me and then I could fail their expectations—or my own. Safer and more comfortable just to do nothing.
And what if trying for your big, hairy goal causes someone in your life discomfort or inconvenience? That may be true. How often does someone else’s important goal cause you discomfort or inconvenience? How do you feel about that? Probably you feel that’s OK, within reason, if the other person’s activity or achievement is important enough to them. (I also refer you back to my first point.)
Regardless of success or failure, you should give yourself permission to try. Either outcome is better than not making the attempt.
So this is what we’re going to do. I give you permission to follow your dreams, to learn something new, to succeed, to do something badly, to be imperfect. And you do the same for me. But truthfully, we don’t really need each other’s permission, do we?
What would you do if you had “permission”?
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| Seen on a store window in New Orleans |
“If it’s a good idea, go ahead and do it. It’s much easier to apologize than it is to get permission.”
--Grace Murray Hopper
Back to school that is. Today is the first day of school in our county, and our son dragged himself out of bed at 6 a.m. It just doesn’t seem right to go to the school bus stop when it’s still dark.
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| First day with the new backpack |
Now that he’s back in school, I can look forward to the approach of fall. I frequently set new goals in the fall rather than in January. In Florida, summer is so hot and drags on so long that I’ve lost all ambition and energy by September. If I didn’t have to leave the house, I’d never change out of my pajamas. When we get our first cold front, hopefully sometime in October, I begin to perk up, look around me and decide on new projects and tackle the to-do list that has grown large and unwieldy during the summer. I review any goals I set earlier in the year to see if I’m on track.
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| It looks beautiful, but it's HOT |
Do you have a favorite time of year? What makes it your favorite? My current favorite is fall, because that’s when I start to feel human again, instead of like a giant, sweaty lump. Hopefully your reasons are a little more poetic than mine…
Actually, what I have is a hard time staying focused on something long enough to finish it. Thanks to Barbara Sher’s book, Refuse to Choose!, I’ve learned I’m not the only one. Sher describes me when she describes “Scanners,” people who are “genetically wired to be interested in many things.” Some of the things Scanners say that could come out of my mouth include: “I keep changing my mind about what I want to do and end up doing nothing.” “I keep going off on another tangent.” “I pull away from what I’m doing because I’m afraid I’ll miss something better.”
In the past, I’d become interested in something—gardening, for example. I’d run out and invest in a flat or two of flowers or herbs and plant them in my yard. Then a few days or weeks later, I’d decide I wanted to learn about Florida history or a foreign language. But if I did that, then I’d be taking time away from learning how to draw and paint! (And don’t ask what happened to the flowers and herbs.)
You see my dilemma. Realistically, I don’t have that much time for all the interests I’d like to pursue. I have a part-time job, a family and household to care for, and commitments to a regular exercise program and to my horse.
While I loved Refuse to Choose! from start to finish, one of the exercises I found most helpful was to make a six-year wall calendar with room to write all the things I want to do. (I now call it my “Six-Year Calendar of Happiness.”) Instead of taping typing paper together and using colored markers for each activity, as the book suggests, after a brainstorming session in a notebook, I typed a separate page for each year into a Word document. The plan is, instead of dissipating my energy trying to do 15 things at once, I focus on the four or five items I’ve put on my current year, secure in the knowledge that the other things I want to do or learn are written down, waiting for me in future years. If I think, “Oh, I’d love to know more about birds,” instead of immediately checking a book out of the library or surfing the internet for bird info, I write it down on my six-year calendar.
2009 was my first year using this system, and I did pretty well sticking to what I put on my list. I started simply: learning new things with my horse (jumping, going on more trail rides), studying and writing poetry and essays, continuing with watercolor class, expanding freelance writing, and reading one or two “classic” books. In 2010, I’m going to study drawing and sketching with an emphasis on learning to create an illustrated journal, continue working with my horse (he appears on every calendar year!), learn about Florida (history, ecology, culture) and keep reading classics.
My six-year calendar of happiness isn’t carved in stone. I made some adjustments to it when I reviewed my progress in 2009. It helps me rest easy knowing I won’t forget something I want to do. And I love it because it gives me a place to store my dreams and goals for the future—and keeps me focused enough to achieve them.
